Trusting in the Lord to care for my kids...

I've been going back and forth about putting this on the blog but I thought maybe if I did it would help me to understand and process what is going on better. And hopefully help any other moms with similar situations.
So I've been struggling... a lot.
Struggling with leaving my kids. I never felt this pain deep down when I left Jude before Liam was born. I mean, of course, I hated to be away from him, but this was different. I've ached and worried and stressed every time Ive had to leave them both. So much so that Ive considered closing my studio and staying home full time.
Ive cried... a lot. I love my job, but I LOVE my kids more.
I've prayed... a lot. I begged God to reveal to me what he was trying to tell me. Why did I feel the way I did. Was it just normal mommy pains?
I reached out to other Christian mothers.. I asked them to pray for me.
Then, sitting in worship this past Sunday at church God gave me a clear answer.
Ive been struggling with PTSD (or at least I guess that's what it is). I remembered (or God reminded me) that just one week after giving birth to Liam we had to take Jude to the ER for a skull fracture. Looking back I know that Jude's injury was minor compared to what could've happened to him. But, lets be real... any time a mommas child endures injury it is hard on the mom, but its even worse when she's just one week postpartum--insert raging hormones here--.
I almost feel silly that I've been feeling the way that I have. Like I should quit being a baby and thank the Lord my son is okay. I do thank God he is okay!! I've got to quit beating myself up over having feelings-- why are we a society that says its not okay to have feelings???

(a couple months into the healing)

My son fell and got seriously injured when I wasn't around. We had to take him to the ER. His eye immediately swelled shut. They had to tie him to a board to do a CT scan of his head because he was so upset. I'd be surprised if HE doesn't have some form PTSD!!! I had my newborn, in an ER during flu season. They wanted to keep him overnight and my heart wouldn't let me leave him but I had to because I was nursing a 1 week old!!
Anyways, my life got turned upside down in more ways than one and lets face it folks, this mommy stuff is hard. Physically, mentally, emotionally, financially (hehe ;) had to throw that one in there). It's okay if we can't keep it all together!! Its okay to FEEL BAD. It's okay to HURT. It's OKAY to admit that you just aren't doing okay and something is not right!
I was not doing okay! I was being affected by something for 8 months because it was tragic and I didn't even know it. It was rough. Thank GOD Jude is okay and perfect as ever but that doesn't change the fact that I am still having a hard time with what happened. I feel much better now. Now that God has revealed to me what I needed to know to understand my feelings. Now I have a reason. Now I know Im not going crazy!! haha!
I am still praying that He will heal my heart and help me to not hurt over what happened. I know my children are God's children, he is merely lending them to me for a short time. I KNOW that. I'm praying every day that I will remember that when Im feeling anxious about leaving them. Im praying for God's guidance everyday. That when I leave them to go do something outside the home that I will trust him. That I will have faith that my children are ultimately in his hands.
I think the biggest relief for me is that God revealed that I AM doing the right thing by working. I am doing what he desires for my life, He just wants me to trust him a little more :) I'm here God, Im ready, I want to trust you. Teach me and use me. I believe that you alone will take away my anxiety!

Some helpful verses Ive found

Phil 4:6: Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Prov 3:5: Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

1 Pet 5:7: Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Terrible Twos & Tantrums

Welp, here we go again... another "Its been months since Ive posted on this blog" post.
Im not going to delve into that.. you all know what Im talking about. Plus, my time is valuable. As Im writing this, at any moment my 2 year old could come up and start one of his fits, or the baby could need to nurse! (yep, i had another baby since I last blogged... perhaps I will have time to blog on that too later today ;) )

So, here we go... the story of my life... lately...

Terrible Twos & Tantrums

See that cutie.. that was Jude somewhere around 1.5 years ago.

While he still snuggles on me like that (rare moments throughout the day)

This is more of the face I get:

Sometimes this is accompanied by screaming and stomping feet or just laying out in the floor. Oh and usually shouting "NO MOMMY!" (thats the part I hate the most). 

I know this is a probably just a phase and not reflective of how he will be as he grows older. But part of me can't help but worry that this behavior will carry over into child & adulthood.

Teaching respect and love and gratitude to an (almost) 2 year old feels like one of the hardest things Ive ever had to do. All while remaining sane and showing him grace & love. Im often reminded of how our Father must feel when we need to learn lessons as an adult. In 1 John 4:9-11 it says 

"In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another." 

He continually and unconditionally shows us GRACE & LOVE everyday. 

This is what the Bible means by sanctification.

Here are some ways Im being sanctified...

so, like my friends Heather & Jennie have suggested.. Im going to eat lots of cake & drink lots of wine (once you go to bed) ;) And spend lots of time in the Word and praying for sanity to come quickly to our home!

Some Bible verses I love about training a child in the Lord.

Proverbs 29:15 The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.

Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

And perhaps my favorite:

Deuteronomy 6:1-9 Now this is the commandment—the statutes and the rules—that the Lord your God commanded me to teach you, that you may do them in the land to which you are going over, to possess it, that you may fear the Lord your God, you and your son and your son's son, by keeping all his statutes and his commandments, which I command you, all the days of your life, and that your days may be long. Hear therefore, O Israel, and be careful to do them, that it may go well with you, and that you may multiply greatly, as the Lord, the God of your fathers, has promised you, in a land flowing with milk and honey. “Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates. (emphasis mine)

A word to my boys:

I pray every day that you will Know God. That you will LOVE God. I pray that God will use me to teach you of His love for you.

You are loved in so many ways by so many people. You are truly a blessing to our family & to all of those that you meet. <3

<3 mommy

Liam Jackson | Its a boy! | Nursery | Pregnancy today

We found out the baby is a BOY! :D (Can't believe I haven't posted this yet!)

LIAM JACKSON BARNWELL!!!!!!! {due around October 15, 2013}

Jude got to announce the news to everyone :)

I must say, initially I hoped for a girl since we already had a boy, but the moment I saw that ultrasound and heard "it's another boy!" I no longer cared! I am just so beyond thrilled! Just as thrilled as I was to hear Jude was a boy. Thinking about 2 little babies lovin' on their momma like Jude does now just melts my heart! And I can't wait to see him and Jude playing together. It is going to be the sweetest thing my eyes have seen.

So, the fun part. Getting ready for Liam :)

We went to Ikea this past Saturday. Yes, Drew & I had a DATE by ourselves! :D That was perhaps the best part... spending a full day hanging out together (although we did miss jude by that evening). It was such a special time.

Anywho, the reason we went was to finish getting the things we need for Liams nursery. We are doing a similar (using some of the same peices) but totally different look to Judes. We are doing grey walls, white crib, greyish brown dresser, brown glider that is in Judes room, white bookshelf with greyish brown baskets, and the same sheets jude has since he has several of them. We figured why buy new? Also, we are taking the bedskirt from Judes room and putting it on Liams crib because with the way judes crib is made you literally can't even see the skirt on it. So basically we are doing light grey/white/brown nursery with baby blue accents and I want to add simple zoo animals in neutral colors too. We got him a grey pillow with elephants on it and I want to get him a girrafe of some kind for the room.

I want to order him this print from Etsy as well: 

http://www.etsy.com/listing/127298282/sale-abc-giraffe-typography-8x10-gray?ref=usr_faveitems

& some other similar things! So cute!

I promise to have pics as soon as we get to work putting it all in his room! It will make much more sense then! haha! 

Here is where I got lots of my inspiration:

http://pinterest.com/pin/54746951692843935/

Things I look forward to about having a newborn baby again:

-going into labor (didn't get to do this on my own last time)

-nursing agian (so miss jude doing this!)

-baby wearing/ snuggling/ cosleeping

-teaching Jude gentleness

-cloth diapering them both (hopefully! we just started trying this out. will do another post about that!)

-bringing another blessing into our home!

Current Pregnancy Symptoms (Im 19 weeks)

-increased amount of freckles on my arms.. didn't have this symptom with Jude

-LOTS of kicks! Liam's placenta is posterior (in the back) so I can feel him a whole lot more than I could Jude (his placenta was anterior, in the front)

-that's pretty much it right now! oh how I love the second trimester!!!

The 'Balancing Act'

I know Ive missed tons of posts lately. To be honest life has just gotten away from me. With it being busy season for work, and still learning how to balance a family and working full time, the little blog here has just been abandoned. 

Well, part of my 2013 'changes' are to balance my time a little better. I will now only be shooting 2 sessions a week (hopefully in one day), and only doing "office work" in the evenings when this cutie has gone down for the night. During the days Im not out shooting Ill be doing the wife and mommy stuff. I CANNOT wait and have already implemented my plan starting today :) It has been such a good feeling to love on my baby all day and get my house clean. Ive felt so overwhelmed to get everything done for work but the honest truth it, it'll never ALL be done. Photography has an endless 'to do' list and Im accepting that. So, Ive decided to let that go and quit trying to be wonder woman and just live my life and do my job as it comes. Im sure all of you photogmoms know the strain running a business can put on you. I LOVE my job. But, I LOVE MY FAMILY so much more.

So, if youre a client, expect emails from me at 1am instead of 1pm ;)

Love to you all! Hope you enjoy the pictures ;0)

8 months old. Growing too fast for my own good!