Why am I alone?

The title of this post may seem a little odd... I mean, Ive got a great life! A wonderful husband and 2 amazing kids! But, I've never been one to have a lot of friends. Maybe I lack certain social skills? Idk, but I find that I have a hard time "clicking" with people when placed in a situation to make friends. Maybe I'm just not a good conversation starter? Sometimes I feel like a freshman in high school when I go to events where I have to meet new people. I get all clammy and stumble over what to talk about.
But when it comes to my work and my clients its totally the opposite. I could make friends and talk all day! I guess because its *my* thing? Its what Im confident about and enjoy doing. I mean, to run a business you sort of HAVE to be a people person, right???
So why don't I make friends easily in my personal life??! I've been asking God this question a lot lately. I mean, I have a couple of really good friends that I love and adore, don't get me wrong. But it just seems like other women get along and converse so much better with one another than I do.
I think maybe it's because God is calling me to be a leader of some sort. When Im in a leadership position I don't get clammy. I am outspoken. I love it! I make friends there!
So, what's next? Im praying for God to show me in what way He wants me to lead? In what area of my life does he want me to step out and lead? I feel like it has to do with other women... I just don't know what. It will be interesting to see where God leads me! Ever since I left Southeastern (bible college I attended) and that hugely day-to-day biblical world I've felt so disconnected from the faith community. I mean, we attend church, have been in small groups, etc. But something is missing. I don't feel like I LIVE in biblical community. I don't feel like Im making disciples. I guess my new calling to lead will be part of the biblical community ;) We shall see. Oh how God's plans for our lives are so much more than we ever imagine!!!

Jude- Potty Trained!!

I can't believe it!!!! Just 1 month after starting our potty training adventure with Jude (25 months old when we started) and he's trained!!! Like blowing my mind trained!!

How it all started..

Well, one day I caught Jude straining to go #2 and I was SO BEYOND TIRED of cleaning his poop diapers! I mean, they were awful! Toddler poo is The.Worst. So, when I saw him straining I grabbed him and ran him to the potty and sat him down and he finished going. 

This was the first time he had ever gone anything in the potty.

And it was like it just clicked! When he would start straining he would yell "momma!! Go potty!!" And I'd run him to the bathroom. At this point I didn't care if he ever peed in the potty! I was just relieved not to have to clean those poop diapers anymore! Ha! 

I think it was the 3rd time he poo pooed in the potty that he actually peed in there too. This was a new revelation for him! He started getting super excited over the candy he was getting so just 3 days after using the potty here and there I decided to try the naked method over the weekend. Jude has a very large vocabulary and communicates his needs very well so I figured it was worth a shot!

I took him to the potty every hour the first few days. I read him a BILLION books and spent countless hours sitting on a little stool in our bathroom but I was determined! 

The first day or two he did AMAZING! Like only 1-2 accidents a day. I couldn't believe it, I just knew he would stop at any moment! I mean prior to that week he had never even used the potty! 

On the third day he started having lots of accidents :( I was so sad. I thought, "all this hard work for nothing!" I got tired of cleaning up pee so I put him in pull ups :( this felt like a mommy fail and I just KNEW he would lose all interest. I still asked him if he needed to potty but not as often as I was, he seemed frustrated with all the asking and he was always honest about if he needed to go or not so I decided to back off a lot. I only asked him if it had been several hours or if he was doing the potty dance. 

And he began TELLING ME that he needed to go!! Hallelujah! His pull-ups stayed dry so we began the naked method again. 

I feel it's important to note here that he did not do well in others care-our nanny, baby sitter, or his daddy. Although we just kept on, keeping-on, and he eventually started going with them too. Made leaving for work super hard!!!!

But, since he began telling me he needed to go the accidents pretty much stopped. He would only have them on occasion like when he would throw a fit or when he didn't want to stop playing. He did get a couple of spankings and time-outs for accidents and I often made him apologize for having one. Many times he would say "momma help you clean up?" And want to help me clean up the mess.. Sweet boy.

I know "they", whoever "they" are, say not to spank or discipline for potty accidents but my child responds very well to loving discipline. Every child is different. And I only did this once I knew that he knew what he was doing. Obviously you wouldn't want to discipline a child that physically couldn't hold it yet but I knew mine was capable- he just didn't want to stop playing.

So once he was going regularly and not having any accidents (except to sleep and in the public he wore pull-ups), we started putting him in big boy underwear! I let him go on amazon and pick out ones he wanted and had them shipped to the house via 2 day shipping.. Can we say hallelujah for amazon from all the SAHM mommies!!! ;) He really loved picking them out and his daddy bought him some more from babies r us and brought them home too-- he really loves anything from his daddy!

So, it's been a month now and we've been totally accident free for a week now!!! He even wakes up from naps and in the morning dry as a bone! As soon as we get a waterproof liner for his new bed I may try underwear at nap. 

One day this week we were leaving for the day and I tried to put a pull up on him and he just cried and cried and I thought "why am I fighting this?!" He obviously wants to wear underwear! I should at least try in public! I was terrified bc he HATES public bathrooms- the noise scares him and he won't go in our portable potty we keep in the car. I just knew he'd wet himself right in the middle of Gap as we were shopping! But, to my surprise, he told me he had to potty right in the middle of Gap and went on their public potty!! I was so shocked! We have since been out of the house everyday this week in underwear with no accidents!

I am so proud of my big boy!!!! He is amazing and smart and such a wonderful little boy! He teaches me new things everyday and brings so much joy to my heart!!!

I love you Jude Thomas!!!! Now, let's go to the beach to celebrate ;)

Trusting in the Lord to care for my kids...

I've been going back and forth about putting this on the blog but I thought maybe if I did it would help me to understand and process what is going on better. And hopefully help any other moms with similar situations.
So I've been struggling... a lot.
Struggling with leaving my kids. I never felt this pain deep down when I left Jude before Liam was born. I mean, of course, I hated to be away from him, but this was different. I've ached and worried and stressed every time Ive had to leave them both. So much so that Ive considered closing my studio and staying home full time.
Ive cried... a lot. I love my job, but I LOVE my kids more.
I've prayed... a lot. I begged God to reveal to me what he was trying to tell me. Why did I feel the way I did. Was it just normal mommy pains?
I reached out to other Christian mothers.. I asked them to pray for me.
Then, sitting in worship this past Sunday at church God gave me a clear answer.
Ive been struggling with PTSD (or at least I guess that's what it is). I remembered (or God reminded me) that just one week after giving birth to Liam we had to take Jude to the ER for a skull fracture. Looking back I know that Jude's injury was minor compared to what could've happened to him. But, lets be real... any time a mommas child endures injury it is hard on the mom, but its even worse when she's just one week postpartum--insert raging hormones here--.
I almost feel silly that I've been feeling the way that I have. Like I should quit being a baby and thank the Lord my son is okay. I do thank God he is okay!! I've got to quit beating myself up over having feelings-- why are we a society that says its not okay to have feelings???

(a couple months into the healing)

My son fell and got seriously injured when I wasn't around. We had to take him to the ER. His eye immediately swelled shut. They had to tie him to a board to do a CT scan of his head because he was so upset. I'd be surprised if HE doesn't have some form PTSD!!! I had my newborn, in an ER during flu season. They wanted to keep him overnight and my heart wouldn't let me leave him but I had to because I was nursing a 1 week old!!
Anyways, my life got turned upside down in more ways than one and lets face it folks, this mommy stuff is hard. Physically, mentally, emotionally, financially (hehe ;) had to throw that one in there). It's okay if we can't keep it all together!! Its okay to FEEL BAD. It's okay to HURT. It's OKAY to admit that you just aren't doing okay and something is not right!
I was not doing okay! I was being affected by something for 8 months because it was tragic and I didn't even know it. It was rough. Thank GOD Jude is okay and perfect as ever but that doesn't change the fact that I am still having a hard time with what happened. I feel much better now. Now that God has revealed to me what I needed to know to understand my feelings. Now I have a reason. Now I know Im not going crazy!! haha!
I am still praying that He will heal my heart and help me to not hurt over what happened. I know my children are God's children, he is merely lending them to me for a short time. I KNOW that. I'm praying every day that I will remember that when Im feeling anxious about leaving them. Im praying for God's guidance everyday. That when I leave them to go do something outside the home that I will trust him. That I will have faith that my children are ultimately in his hands.
I think the biggest relief for me is that God revealed that I AM doing the right thing by working. I am doing what he desires for my life, He just wants me to trust him a little more :) I'm here God, Im ready, I want to trust you. Teach me and use me. I believe that you alone will take away my anxiety!

Some helpful verses Ive found

Phil 4:6: Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Prov 3:5: Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

1 Pet 5:7: Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Santa Pics 2013 | by Amy P Photography

Cousin's Christmas! | by LB Studios

Pumpkin Patch 2013

When I think about how much he's grown since the last time we came, just one year ago, it makes me teary.

<3

We love going to the pumpkin patch every year! even more so now that we have kids to take with us! :)

pointing at something, everything!

because pushing the stroller is what you do at the pumpkin patch.. lol

up close and personal with the horse. Jude was a little weary. 

He really enjoyed these but his legs weren't quite long enough... maybe this year

Picking out the perfect one!

Cutest little boy there that day ;)

November & December 2013 | The Randomness that is my Camera...

Randomness from November & December in one blog post! Enjoy! :)

Sweet Liam's first couple of months...

And of course Jude in the tub too <3

Decorating the tree!

then Christmas Day, I think :)

Some random days in december.

 My Birthday at Chuys

Thanksgiving

Jordan & Loxley's Baby Shower

Christmas Parade

Liam is 2 months! I realize you can't see the 2 on his shirt but with 2 kids you just go with it ;)

(i have since missed taking month 3 & 4 photo)... mom of the year :(

Making Christmas cookies... Liam watching ;)

Christmas with family

Jude & Liam's stocking, Jude's ornament he made at school, our family of 4 ornament, and Liam's first ornament :)

More randomness...

Making Christmas Ornaments!! That we never gave out to the family they were intended for :( you may get them with next years! haha!

Jude kept eating the salt dough and saying "mmmm mmmm" lol

This post seemed a little ADD-ish. haha! Im hoping to stay on top of this a little better and not have to play catch up ever again!!! Thanks everyone for reading my blog!

And to my boys... It was so fun enjoying the Holidays with TWO of you this year! We love you both!

<3 momma

Playing Outside Today | Barnwell Day in the Life

Took some snapshots of the boys outside today. It was a nice 60 something degrees. So glad spring is upon us!!

Oh you know, just cutting the dead grass... Can't wait for green grass!

Hanging out on mommy's back!

Cutie pie!!!!!!

Such a beautiful day!

Getting so big the straps won't go over his arms and drew and i both have tried to loosen them and can't!

He likes to chew on the strap lol

Liam's first time swinging!

Jude, you cried because Liam was in "your swing!" haha! You eventually got over it though and we played baseball while Liam got to swing and then you had a turn :)

I love time with my boys! They are growing so fast!!!