So I've been struggling... a lot.
Struggling with leaving my kids. I never felt this pain deep down when I left Jude before Liam was born. I mean, of course, I hated to be away from him, but this was different. I've ached and worried and stressed every time Ive had to leave them both. So much so that Ive considered closing my studio and staying home full time.
Ive cried... a lot. I love my job, but I LOVE my kids more.
I've prayed... a lot. I begged God to reveal to me what he was trying to tell me. Why did I feel the way I did. Was it just normal mommy pains?
I reached out to other Christian mothers.. I asked them to pray for me.
Then, sitting in worship this past Sunday at church God gave me a clear answer.
Ive been struggling with PTSD (or at least I guess that's what it is). I remembered (or God reminded me) that just one week after giving birth to Liam we had to take Jude to the ER for a skull fracture. Looking back I know that Jude's injury was minor compared to what could've happened to him. But, lets be real... any time a mommas child endures injury it is hard on the mom, but its even worse when she's just one week postpartum--insert raging hormones here--.
I almost feel silly that I've been feeling the way that I have. Like I should quit being a baby and thank the Lord my son is okay. I do thank God he is okay!! I've got to quit beating myself up over having feelings-- why are we a society that says its not okay to have feelings???
(a couple months into the healing)
My son fell and got seriously injured when I wasn't around. We had to take him to the ER. His eye immediately swelled shut. They had to tie him to a board to do a CT scan of his head because he was so upset. I'd be surprised if HE doesn't have some form PTSD!!! I had my newborn, in an ER during flu season. They wanted to keep him overnight and my heart wouldn't let me leave him but I had to because I was nursing a 1 week old!!Anyways, my life got turned upside down in more ways than one and lets face it folks, this mommy stuff is hard. Physically, mentally, emotionally, financially (hehe ;) had to throw that one in there). It's okay if we can't keep it all together!! Its okay to FEEL BAD. It's okay to HURT. It's OKAY to admit that you just aren't doing okay and something is not right!
I was not doing okay! I was being affected by something for 8 months because it was tragic and I didn't even know it. It was rough. Thank GOD Jude is okay and perfect as ever but that doesn't change the fact that I am still having a hard time with what happened. I feel much better now. Now that God has revealed to me what I needed to know to understand my feelings. Now I have a reason. Now I know Im not going crazy!! haha!
I am still praying that He will heal my heart and help me to not hurt over what happened. I know my children are God's children, he is merely lending them to me for a short time. I KNOW that. I'm praying every day that I will remember that when Im feeling anxious about leaving them. Im praying for God's guidance everyday. That when I leave them to go do something outside the home that I will trust him. That I will have faith that my children are ultimately in his hands.
I think the biggest relief for me is that God revealed that I AM doing the right thing by working. I am doing what he desires for my life, He just wants me to trust him a little more :) I'm here God, Im ready, I want to trust you. Teach me and use me. I believe that you alone will take away my anxiety!
Some helpful verses Ive found
Phil 4:6: Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
Prov 3:5: Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
1 Pet 5:7: Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
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